Deep chats with high Laicy…

Below is a personal journal entry. I found it cathartic to talk to myself via typing. If you have Virgo placements, or Virgo is your 3rd house, try it.

I did make some adjustments to make it reader friendly. Such as telling the reader my husband’s planet placements. Since I know them by heart I do not need to describe them to myself. I also tried to make it more … legible.. High Laicy is not entirely understandable.. Perhaps I’ll leave it more raw next time?.... My Virgo, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn feel the need to refine. To feel understood.

Fuck it! I’m me!

The Entry…

Man, I only smoked a few puffs off my joint... and damn I’m high. 

“What's up high laicy, what do we care about?” 

My cares go to worries. I’d like them to go to what's going good, I slay the shit outta all the readings I do. I know astrology is real. I just need to water ( intuition) it up more. I’m water when I am tarot. 

( I imagine talking to the dwarf planet Pluto) - Pluto, I can feel your retrograde. Pulling me back through what I didn’t know I didn’t deal with yet. I am realizing that astrology by itself is only a fraction of what I can do.. I am spiritual and intuitive as well. Put more of the water into my dry earth, air, fire self. Damn I’m Hi

High Laicy) “But it's just you and me so come on now. Tell me what do you care like about?”

 I love reading charts and being told that I am pretty. Is that shallow? 

“No, it's the dream.”

 I care about my children, sometimes I feel like a bad parent. 

“Why?” 

...I’m not like my parents. They went to church and had regular jobs. They had two cars and bought and sold houses.. I don’t have all that.

“Where they happy.”- No

Mom said that she used to get so stressed when my step dad made all those purchases.. In cured debt. She didn’t Like that. But they were houses and cars in debt.. 

( i wondered asking my mom) ..how did that conversation go? What was it like telling him you wanted a divorce ... not that you hadn’t seen it coming. You must have. How did the splitting of the stuff/assets go?

(Switches thoughts) 

I can see him behind me. He’s just there... You know who I am talking about. Yeah you do. ( I’m referring to a long standing crush I developed on someone almost 12 years ago now. I’ll refer to this person by the initials DF) 

High me, playfully says - “You horny little slut, why can't you stop? Why?”

It's a kind of pleasure. I don’t know. I can just see him. Feel him. It's strongest when I am high, or tipsy and high.

( I go into thinking of how our synastry charts connect us astrologically) -  So my Neptune, who talks to his moon and Neptune..( there is a conjunction between his Moon conjunct Neptune of 15 degrees Sagittarius and my Neptune 21 degrees of Sag).. interesting.. there is a connection. My Neptune is trine my moon...So there seems to be a felt emotional and physical connection via fantasy (Neptune), Strong connecting. It's like Stargate, going through a stargate? 

What the fuck am I talking about? Neptune can deceive! But I think there must be something here.

I wish I could type faster. 

It’s like playing tennis? Back and forth. A game connecting. 

Beautiful. 

(Switches thoughts) 

I just imagined saying sorry to my Scorpio friend PB.. it's something Mary said.. water feels the feels, they think theirs is the biggest. This advice Really helped me .. PB thinks his feelings were bigger than mine. . Like he hurts over our friend break up more.

But do we want him back? He was biased against my empathy, my intuition and my love of astrology, Sorry PB, It's true. You made fun of me. Like being sensitive is bad. Like being intuitive is dumb or less than you. At least that's what it feels like to me. 

I think I just learned the PB language. 

Be mean to him. Or what feels like being mean to me, speaking to him in raw truth. The truth always sets free. Either you will lose him completely as a friend, or he will know and you won’t have to hide your thoughts anymore. I hate the thought of hurting anyone. HATE. IT.

Shhhh there he is again. (DF). I thought Scorpio thoughts, and it went to knowing his Scorpio rising.. damn. Why? 

“He is here again? Why do we keep going over this? Why?”

A loop, a tape that keeps playing.. a big ripple. He made a big ripple on me.  A ripple, a ripple. In my water. A heavy fall. Big enough for my soul to notice. Big enough to disrupt my whole world.

Oh my god, I cannot imagine hurting Jeff (my husband). I loooooove Jeff, I mean I fucking loooooooove that man/ he is such a fucking good man. Like, I get to be me. 

I read some old letters that he sent me . When we first met, he made such an effort to get to me. Oh how risky was that leap for him. All the way up to my Venus. ( he has a Virgo Venus) That is a strong jump. Good thing my mars catches him. ( I have Mars in Virgo) Helps him to move. 

“Moving a cancer mars man, what's that like?” 

Lots of pulling on my water. And fire. Gotta be sensitive, intuitive, encouraging.  But man that earth though. ( Jeff is Virgo sun, Venus, Saturn, North node) Solid, unchanging, never ending dote on me. He wooooorshhhips me. Every time he invests in his 2nd house of Pisces . Pisces, that's where I am for him. My Venus, Helping him to connect. I help him connect. He is so beautiful. Man, that guy is patient. 

“Take another puff and say more.” 

My husband is beautiful. Gorgeous. Cheerful, i feel like I am being worshiped when he does art. Its like him bowing to my feet at my alter, for I am the mutha fucking queen of Pisces. Art is my domain! By investing in his art he is giving me provisions of thought, emotion and abundance. I am the queen of pisces. I reign supreme there, charming. I’m a charming bitch. I know this because I got 14 love letters in one summer. ( I had been going through some old high school stuff earlier) ..Some of them were from the same guy. Like Robert B, that dude wrote to me. 6 times, said he loved me in one. And that must have been hard to leave. But he was not ...we were too the same, like friends. 

I wanna tell him (Jeff) to feel good all the time. He would drop anything If I asked him to.. so it's really important for me to remember.. he is a mutable sign. He will do anything you ask him to do. ... you have free reign. Anything.. cause he is that damn good of a man. 

It's not that he obeys me. It's that he is there when I need him. His ideas and verbalization of them let me know where I stand with him. His Aquarius rising makes me think and grow. My Aqua sun needs a smart fella. I have never felt disappointed by him. Never once. 

He is perfect. And cannot let me down. God I hope that he knows this. That I’m a raving fan. 

Know this one over powers that other one. ( reference to my love for Jeff overpowers my strong feels for DF) This one ( my marriage) is big, long, forgiving, loving, cuddles, tells me every thing on his mind, can’t keep quiet. He can keep a secret, I gotta love myself more and open up to him more. I think he can handle it. 

I HATE THE IDEA OF EVER HURTING HIM

Hear that Laicy. 

You can’t [hurt him] though, cause you love him that much. You could take it for him. Take it for him. Take it for him. If he confessed strong feels for another, it would hurt, but the love is big, I’d want to cover him in love. Make him feel that it's impossible to make me not love him.

What the fuck is happening, I think I gotta wake up now. 

For those who are interested in advanced astrology: 

Transits for last night, why was I writing all of this in THIS moment?

The moment: 07/14/2022 @ 8:21 pm, (pst)

My chart info: 01/23/1980, 10:06 am, Hanford, Ca. 

Transiting (I’ll use the initial “T” for transiting) sun 22:39 degrees conjunct T Mercury 20;39 of Cancer - thinking intuitively, psychically, history, emotionally. Water everywhere. Sun/Mercury was in /(T), my 4th house of privacy, roots, home, family)

Along with T sun, and mercury was Eros 15, T DC (other), and black moon Lilith. . I’m thinking privately about how my irresistible attraction to DF would make me feel excommunicated. But Black moon Lilith also is sexual.. Eros, BLM, and DC are indicating sexual in nature, and in cancer of the 4th, nurturing, caring thoughts of long standing other/family (husband) 

This cancer transit is sextile my 6th house with Saturn at 26 degrees of Virgo, everyday commitments and refining what I am committed to. 

T mars 6 of Taurus conjunct my chiron 9 degrees of Taurus (2nd house).. I found past high school (childhood) letters to be Valuable for my self esteem. For evaluating how desirable I was and am. Those letters were not just about physical beauty, but about my inner beauty. 

There is a feeling of ...blessing my husband with my attentions. I am really fantastic at encouraging, and uplifting. However, Mars, sexual and severing.. I’m looking at the difficulties with being attractive and how isolating it can feel. How I feel conflicted when I find others attractive as well as my husband. But my husband is my commitment in love, and family making ( Taurus).

T Venus 26 of Gemini ( in my 3rd house, thinking, communication, writing) she is in trine to my Pluto 21 of Libra (7th house of committed partnerships, other).. I am thinking and writing about what I feel privately, obsessively about. I feel a crisis around being strongly attracted to DF, yet LOOOOOving deeply my husband.